how many letters

the knowledge to know you don't know is better than ignorance.
meghan, 22, new brunswick.
but my heart is in montréal.

Everything is literally falling apart at my house. I don’t know how much I can take.

Parents on the brink of divorce. One parent too laid back to stand up for themselves, one mentally unstable and a self-proclaimed martyr. Mom is fucked in the head and can only blame other people for her self-caused problems. Lacks all sense of rationality and logical thought process. Completely unable to relate to this woman. Dad is caring and mentally stable, however extremely tired and stressed and unhappy in his situation. Honestly Dad is not the problem here. If anything he keeps us all sane in this house. But between the two of them, there is absolutely no communication. My mom keeps spending my dad’s money without him realizing. For example, she bought a minivan from a family friend without consulting my father first. He had no idea until I asked him what the deal was with this new van? I truly sympathize with him because I can’t imagine how it feels to have your spouse go behind your back and make decisions that affect both of you, without even talking to you about it first. Shameful. Marriages are supposed to involve teamwork, love and communication. I see not one of those things in this marriage. To be quite honest, I wish they would just divorce already. Sounds heartless, but I have extreme doubt that anything can be salvaged from this.

Two foster children that are being exposed to this toxic environment. Mom was not mentally stable at the time we took them in yet has told social workers that she wants to take in one more, as a playmate for them. This was never discussed with anybody in our family before she put our names down for it, despite knowing the issues we’ve been having with just two kids. This is a whole other can of worms that I don’t feel like diving into.

Three biological kids caught in the mix. All three of us in different places in our lives, trying to hold it together but slowly realizing all we really have is ourselves in this mess. If anything, that’s the one thing out of this whole catastrophe that I’m grateful for: my siblings, and how we’ve kind of come together to form a support network. I love them to bits and seeing them hurt by the shit that’s happening between my parents infuriates me. The two of them should know better.

Financial problems out of control. Actually, our cable and internet was disconnected today because Rogers has been calling our house for the past I don’t know how many months and they ignored it. They didn’t pay the bills. Stack this on top of the fact that their cell phones (mom’s, sister’s, brother’s and cousin’s) got disconnected TWICE in the past few months because they never paid the ~$800 bill (BOTH TIMES). They had to take money from my brother’s student line of credit both times to pay it off so everybody could get their cellphones back. I still am blissfully unaware of how that situation is going now.

This isn’t even the half of it. This is just off the top of my head. This is all just extra crap mounded on top of the already steaming MOUNTAIN of shit that is our family history.

I swear on my grave, I will never be like them. Never ever ever never ever never ever ever ever NEVER. N . E . V . E . R.


CAFE PREP. (by Rachel-Marie Iwanyszyn)